Thursday, August 28, 2008

the curse of motherhood

I love being a mom. I love my three beautiful children and look forward to getting to know another one soon. Motherhood brings with it some of the best feelings this life has to offer. But it also comes with a curse. A curse which every mother is doomed to endure at some point or another. A curse which leaves you feeling helpless, and wishing for nothing more than the ability to help. With Derrick it first reared it's ugly head when his circumcision didn't heal properly and we had to take him to a urologist to have it fixed. He didn't seem to notice much, but I did, and I wished it was me instead. Some time later he needed x-rays to examine if there were problems with his stomach valves due to a major throwing up problem (a 9 month story for another time). I was pregnant with Abbie at the time, so I was forced to sit outside and listen to my baby scream while Jon tried to comfort him. Of course, it didn't hurt him, but it was his fear that hurt me. So far Abbie has been mostly spared from the drama of out of the norm medical procedures, and for that I am grateful. Today, however, was Grace's turn. About two weeks ago during a routine checkup, our doctor noticed that she had some swollen lymph nodes in her groin area. This, of course, could be due to a number of things but we were instructed to watch them and if they didn't disappear to bring her back in. The nodes are still swollen, and so today we paid our doctor another visit. Upon confirmation of their presence, we are now trying a 10 day course of antibiotics to see if that helps clear up any underlying infection that does not currently show any symptoms. And, to start the ball rolling just in case that doesn't work, she ordered a CBC, which meant Grace needed to have her blood drawn. I was expecting it and actually hoping that we would take that step today, because the last thing I want to do is play "wait and see" if there is actually something more serious going on, but I knew how much she would hate having the procedure done and it broke my heart. As most mothers would, I wanted to trade places with her, which for me is saying a lot because needles and I don't get along so well. Really. If you asked me what the worst part about childbirth is I will say getting my IV put in. It is a major reason why I've had all three babies without epidurals or pain meds of any type. Nobody is sticking a giant needle in my spine! But I digress. The point is that I hate to get my blood drawn, too, although I have gotten better at it over the course of 4 pregnancies. I would have gladly done it again today, if I could have. I almost think the worst part is the look of fear that she has on her face when she realizes what is about to happen. Jon held her body still while two nurses focused on her arm, and I proceeded to try and distract her by wiping away her tears. Oh my heart. But it was over soon enough and she did beautifully when all was said and done. And now we wait for results which will hopefully show all levels where they should be. Here's to hoping for a good ol' run of the mill infection!


Lindsey said...

Poor little Gracie...I can totally picture her being held down with needles coming at her. Though I'm a bigger fan of needles than you (given my occupation) it broke my heart a little too when I read this post. I hope everything turns out ok!!

1tiredmama said...

That makes me just want to cry. Ethan had to have a cyst on his neck removed when he was 2. It was the worst experience ever for me. When they went to do the iv, Eric was holding him down and he just kept saying, "no don't let them hurt me". I just sat in the chair next to him bawling. I hope everything turns out fine and you won't have to go through that again. It is something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.